Posted by Jenni on February 6, 2012 in Motherhood, Self-care
Missing Memories
If I thought I had any handle whatsoever on the practice of nonattachment, today said otherwise.
I’ve been using an online backup service for the past few years, and it’s worked out really well for me. Today, though, I had quite the scare. I went to restore a bunch of files that were wiped out when my laptop’s operating system was updated. I’d known the files would be deleted from my laptop, but I wasn’t worried, because of my trusty backup service. Restoring the files would be a cinch.
But before I could restore the last batch of files, my automatic backup kicked in, saving all my new stuff in the spot where the old stuff had been. I panicked. That last batch included ALL my digital photos! Every image of my daughters’ births. Every birthday party since then. The milestones of their little lives. My life, basically, from the past 5 years.
I had a meltdown.
I slumped over my desk, head in hands, tears rolling down my cheeks. Images of my first daughter snuggled in my arms at 1 day old flashed through my mind, and I cried harder as I remembered the picture of my youngest being placed on my chest moments after arriving earthside. I’d most miss the pictures of their births, those most poignant memories. Would my doula still have those pictures? We’d had no extended family with us at either birth. My mind raced as I desperately tried to think through which friends and family might have pictures that would help me replace my digital stash of family history.
Thinking about those most precious moments, another strong feeling of loss rose up. Right along with the photos—perhaps more than the photos—I was missing my life as I knew it just about a month ago. We moved to a new city in late December, and I’m longing for the beloved place we left behind.
My heavy heart lifted when I got the customer service text telling me that my pictures, as it turned out, were still available in the backup archive! They’d been hidden, but with a few clicks, I was able to restore them.
Also out of hiding: my sadness about our move. Those feelings are usually masked by the busy-ness of setting up life in a new town. But unlike the situation with my photos, there’s no simple click-here fix for that heartache. I’m homesick. Time will help, I know, as I move through the steady process of making new memories—and taking new pictures—in our new hometown.
Mamas, what have you been missing? How are you honoring that?
I too am missing that beloved place I left behind! I miss yoga with you, I miss the home that I owned, I miss the friends who cared about our day-to-day life, I miss my dear neighbors and family friends, and so much more. Thank you for honoring your feelings and encouraging me to do the same. I am listening to Snatam Kaur’s “Grace” and it takes me to the sweet place of peace I remember from yoga when pregnant with my first son. Today I will try to find the good and positive in my new life in this new place and remember that the sweet memories I have I get to keep and I WILL make more here:) Sending you my love, Page